Through Littlest, I Lived There

I’d like to rewind where it all begin, when it’s funny how 18 me would think that i may be better at 19 but if i can do tell myself before, “you’re so full of hope” for things that surely uncertain for life. Pretty amazed with the naivety i once had. The battle is not yet over, and I am sure that there are more hurdles to come while still don’t know what stuff to prepare, what steps i should take so i’m not slip away like the last time, what the idea to believe so i can mantain hope and continue walk. Unfortunately, the more i’m craving for the guide book of it the less that i know which paths are good enough to take. Much about life is uncertain at the moment — and many things remain outside of my control.

Life I imagine I made it out to be is through the same papers that gives me burden and dramatically fills with so much trauma and fear. It’s started when things have seemed to go the right way, but it wasn’t. I have to redo things all over again as things almost go south and thinking that it will worked out but need to realize it is still not. It’s not going to be a piece of cake I always thought, it is taking so much more out of me, a multiple thrilling trail to climb up, more like riding a horrible long ride rollercoaster. Although when I’m already anticipated, I couldn’t get off the sadness that I let its wrap grip on me sometimes cause handle it all alone was so much harder than I think. All of those things pulled me into a quee of questions list of how do I see myself, those are keep screwed up my sense of self.

I am looking back to how i spent the twelve months of non-stopable battling because i often failed to look on the good side. My heart wrenches as I think about the moment i had back could literally making me realize that there are some points i missed and it’s build me up. It wasn’t long until i realize, we live to see more of the world. Throughout the littlest.

2022 was a tangible form of “people come and go.” All of these falls bring me some mettle which opened up new meet-ups, whether with the kind one or the otherwise. Meeting them is such a life seasonal lesson. I shouldn’t have expected I will constantly meet the people I admired to work with, they who at least appreciate your lil worth. Life has its own times for us to meet which kind of people are we have to face beyond our capability to choose. We will meet bad people at some point. The thing is, you know you will eventully have to leave it all behind,move to the next paths, and detaching yourself from any source of unhappiness.

But life is about a pair of two. I have the blessing by getting the chance to meet people, a lot of, who make me feel loved and chosen and is rooting for me. They who make me feel secured to be surrounded with and it’s fulfulling that they’re taking part on my rollercoaster as if i could hold their hand when i feel terrified. Then if you d, although when kilometers have separated us or how times has taken the togetherness, I’m glad with your pressence. I’m glad that our paths were meant to be crossed and our soul has intertwined (or which those still). You all will forever be part of me cause I had lived there, with you being on the same track.

I wake up to realize that I kinda missed the smallest, through the glimpse in the middle of you and me that can only be seen with the heart to come for its meaning. What if that sights wasn’t just a stare. What if those whatsapp texts matters such as A on your paper test and your fave hanging clothes behind the door. What if “hi” means to be “i have longing for you” in a short way we each other don’t know. What if those voice notes make us feel listened at some moment. What if repeating jokes gold as much as time. And those another what if that lingers in the back of my mind. I miss run to you when I need place to release when i’m at the end of ropes, when tears meet the end of its land. I still remember when we had a long night talking while you poured advices from those pure soul you once never showed up. I had fun picking songs to sing with on your car, or three-hour switching hundred topics to talk. I’ll still get the glimpse of us when I eat snacks we used to eat together while joking and singing at 12 am. I’ll capturing a lot of scene when i pass by a road you used to get me back home. I wish i could retrace those lil walk under the rain while you ask me to repeat my words you failed to hear. Bike on Sunday morning, you guided to a route I will never ride again, I remember. What if those are intentional. What if there’s alignment between them.

Exactly, people existance has its own purpose whether they’d be there just for a long or even short period of time. Each has carried implied messege. Perhaps the feeling of unappreciated is taking me to find way how to appreciate others. When I feel being unreciprocated is saddening, I took something completely different and learned how to respect more so others won’t feel it the way. As Dr. Seuss said, “sometimes you will never know the value of moment until it becomes memory.” I learned to cerish moment as nice as it’ll sticking on my mind, knowing I won’t be there with the same person and same contentment. Seeing friends vocalize their plans has influenced me to be driven again. I gain hope by watching them sending memes, it matters a lot as I think they thought of me through it. I learned to give more hugs and widely open my arms knowing that maybe i won’t get the chance to do it in the near future, maybe the feelings would change the way it never did. I learned that I have to make time for a good time because they last, in a blink of an eye.

Huge thanks to myself for taking sadness, cries, and tears as a lesson to step a little, each day. thanking myself for pushing harder and tuck courage to move, unguarded and willing to try again despite all of the ways it has tried to defeat me. maybe this journey being too heavy is because I burdened myself with what I set for to be the way I wanted to without knowing if perhaps myself could only step each step slowly. I fully aware that life puts everyone in different starting point where we running from but it will naturally push you towards the right places and I wish 19 and 20 me was as hopeful as 18 who wait and believe there’s a light in the dark, there’s lesson to finally teaches, to head ofjf.

I wish that you’re not only have the best moment in life but also gain and learn something towards it. Thanks to those unexpected encounters and impromptu trips, to everyone who stand there and is involved in it. To the “building up scenarios and setting collective goals” and ended up didn’t yet happen but replaced with “unforeseen events and meet-ups i treasure the most.”